Welcome to Dear Father Thomas, a weekly column where readers share their questions about faith, family, relationships, and life’s challenges. Each week, Father Thomas offers practical wisdom and spiritual guidance rooted in Scripture and the teachings of the Catholic Church.
DEAR FATHER THOMAS: My parents are getting older, and lately they need more and more from me. I help with appointments, errands, medications, bills, and things around the house. I love them, and I want to be there for them, but I’m exhausted.
I have my own family, work, and responsibilities, and I constantly feel like someone needs something from me. When I try to take time for myself, I feel guilty. When I get frustrated with my parents, I feel even worse. They took care of me for so many years. Shouldn’t I be willing to do the same for them?
I want to honor my parents and care for them well, but I’m afraid I’m disappearing in the process. How do I care for them without losing myself? — AN EXHAUSTED DAUGHTER
DEAR EXHAUSTED DAUGHTER: Honoring your father and mother is a beautiful responsibility, and caring for them as they grow older can be a profound act of love. But love does not require you to destroy yourself in order to prove it.
The Catechism teaches that adult children have responsibilities toward their parents, especially in times of illness, loneliness, or old age. But that does not mean you must meet every need personally or carry every burden alone.
You are allowed to have limits. You are allowed to ask siblings, relatives, friends, your parish community, or professional caregivers for help when it is available. And you are allowed to rest.
Even Jesus stepped away from the crowds at times to rest and pray. Rest is not selfish when it allows you to return to the people you love with greater patience and strength. There may be days when caring for your parents feels holy and meaningful, and others when it simply feels exhausting. Both can be true.
Honor your parents. Love them generously. But remember that you are also a person God has entrusted to your care. Making room for your own health, marriage, children, responsibilities, and relationship with God does not mean you love your parents less. Sometimes, healthy boundaries are one of the ways love endures.
