Welcome to Dear Father Thomas, a weekly column where readers share their questions about faith, family, relationships, and life’s challenges. Each week, Father Thomas offers practical wisdom and spiritual guidance rooted in Scripture and the teachings of the Catholic Church.
DEAR FATHER THOMAS: I love my family, but lately I don’t even recognize us anymore. Every holiday seems to end in an argument. Old wounds keep getting brought up, people stop speaking to each other, and somehow I’m always caught in the middle.
I’ve prayed about it, but I still carry resentment over things that were said to me years ago. Part of me wants to forgive, but another part wonders if forgiving just means pretending nothing happened. How do I forgive someone who doesn’t seem sorry? And how do I find peace when my own family feels so divided? — TORN BETWEEN LOVE AND HURT
DEAR TORN BETWEEN LOVE AND HURT: My dear friend, Thank you for your honesty. Many people quietly carry this same burden. Family relationships are often our greatest blessing—and sometimes our deepest source of pain. Because we love one another so much, the wounds can cut especially deep. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things Christ asks of us. But notice what He does not ask.
He does not ask us to say the hurt wasn’t real. He does not ask us to approve of wrongdoing or allow ourselves to be mistreated again. Forgiveness is not pretending. Forgiveness begins as a decision to place justice into God’s hands instead of carrying the weight ourselves. It may take time. Sometimes we must make that choice again and again before our hearts begin to follow. If the other person never apologizes, you can still forgive. Their repentance belongs to them. Your freedom belongs to you.
Ask yourself this question: Do I want to keep carrying this pain, or do I want Christ to carry it with me? Remember the words Jesus spoke from the Cross: “Father, forgive them.” He offered forgiveness even while He was still being wounded. That doesn’t mean every relationship can immediately be restored. Reconciliation requires honesty, humility, and willingness from both sides. But forgiveness is something God can begin in your heart today.
Pray for your family by name. Offer small acts of kindness where you can. Refuse to let bitterness become the loudest voice in your heart. God specializes in healing what seems beyond repair. Even if your family isn’t ready to change, never lose hope that grace is already at work. May the Lord fill your heart with His peace, soften every wound with His mercy, and teach your family to love as He has loved us. God bless you.
Have a question for Father Thomas? Email us at dearfather@ycvf.org. While we can’t respond to every message personally, your letter could be selected for a future episode.
