Welcome to Dear Father Thomas, a weekly column where readers share their questions about faith, family, relationships, and life’s challenges. Each week, Father Thomas offers practical wisdom and spiritual guidance rooted in Scripture and the teachings of the Catholic Church.
DEAR FATHER THOMAS: Someone I loved hurt me deeply, and they have never apologized. They act like nothing happened, and sometimes I wonder if they even care about what they did. I know as a Catholic I’m supposed to forgive, but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to forgive someone who isn’t sorry.
Part of me feels like forgiving them means saying what they did was okay, or letting them back into my life so they can hurt me again. I don’t want to carry this anger forever, but I also don’t know how to let it go when they won’t even admit they were wrong.
How do I forgive someone who never said they’re sorry? — STILL WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY
DEAR STILL WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY: Forgiveness is one of the hardest things Christ asks of us, especially when the person who hurt us shows no remorse.
But forgiveness does not mean pretending the wound never happened. It does not mean excusing what they did, and it does not require you to trust someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy. You can forgive someone and still have boundaries.
Jesus tells us to forgive because resentment can keep us tied to the very wound we desperately want to escape. Forgiveness is choosing not to let another person’s wrongdoing control your heart forever.
And sometimes that choice has to be made more than once. You may decide to forgive today and feel the anger return tomorrow. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Healing can take time.
Most importantly, their apology is not something you can control. You may receive it someday, or you may never receive it. But your freedom does not have to depend upon their willingness to admit what they did.
Bring the hurt honestly to God. Ask Him for the grace to surrender the anger you cannot release on your own. And if the wound is especially deep, consider speaking with your priest or a trusted counselor who can help you work through it without confusing forgiveness with reconciliation.
You don’t have to say what happened was okay. You can simply decide that what happened will no longer have the final word.
Have a question for Father Thomas? Email us at dearfather@ycvf.org. While we can’t respond to every message personally, your letter could be selected for a future episode.
