In a culture that often measures worth by success, appearance, and achievement, two leading psychologists are challenging a deeply rooted assumption: that love must be earned.
In a recent interview with The Washington Post, happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California at Riverside and relationship expert Harry Reis of the University of Rochester discussed insights from their book, “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.” Their findings echo what Christians have long believed — that love is essential not only for happiness, but for human survival.
Love as a Matter of Life and Death
Reis explained the biological and social necessity of love in stark terms. “If you look at humans from birth, what are your chances of surviving if you don’t have someone to care for you? You have no chance at all,” he said, according to The Washington Post. He noted that this deep dependence on others does not disappear in adulthood. “We humans do much better when we’re embedded in a social network, when we feel like we belong, when we feel like we’re connected to other people,” he said. Without that belonging, “our mental health suffers,” and “people die earlier when they don’t have this sense of belonging.”
Lyubomirsky described loneliness as more than a passing emotion. “A lonely moment is a moment when you’re not feeling loved,” she said, according to The Washington Post. She called it “an evolutionary signal that something needs to be repaired, that your social bonds are not as strong as they need to be.” She added that in the past, isolation could mean literal death, and even today, “it almost feels like you’re dying when you’re not feeling loved.”
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The Vicious Cycle of Isolation
The researchers warned that loneliness can spiral into a destructive cycle. Reis explained that while some people respond to isolation by reaching out, others internalize it. “They internalize: ‘I’m lonely. Nobody wants to hang around with me. There must be something wrong with me,’ and then they go into a shell,” he said, according to The Washington Post. Turning to solitary distractions or substances can reinforce the isolation rather than relieve it.
Lyubomirsky added that chronic loneliness can distort perception. “People who are chronically lonely become suspicious of other people’s social motives,” she said. Even genuine warmth can be misinterpreted as insincere. That suspicion can lead a person to appear cold, creating what she described as “a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Loneliness, however, is not inherently negative. Reis called it “an adaptive emotion.” According to The Washington Post, he explained that it is “a signal that your social network is not giving you the sense of belonging that you want” and a prompt “to go out and do something about it.” It becomes harmful only when it fails to lead to corrective action.
Why Success Cannot Secure Love
One of the most powerful insights from the interview challenges the common belief that love depends on personal achievement.
Lyubomirsky said many people assume they must make themselves more impressive in order to be loved. “I just need to show them how wonderful I am and hide my shortcomings,” she explained, according to The Washington Post. But that strategy ultimately backfires. “To feel love, you need to be known and also know the other,” she said. If a person only reveals polished strengths, they will always wonder, “If you really knew me, would you still love me?”
Reis warned that tying lovability to status or appearance leads to endless insecurity. “If you’re focused more on things like money or beauty, there’s always someone with more money. There’s always somebody more beautiful. There’s someone who’s more accomplished,” he said, according to The Washington Post. “And so you can never be satisfied that you have enough of what it takes to truly be loved.”
Love Begins by Giving
Perhaps most strikingly, the researchers found that the path to feeling loved begins not with self-improvement, but with self-gift.
“It seems counterintuitive, but if you want to feel more loved, the first step is that you make the other person feel loved first,” Lyubomirsky said, according to The Washington Post. She emphasized genuine curiosity — asking about another’s inner life and truly listening. “It’s very rare when someone shows genuine curiosity in you,” she noted.
Reis described what they call the “relationship seesaw.” “When you lift somebody up, then they are going to lift you up because reciprocity is one of the strongest norms of human behavior,” he said, according to The Washington Post.
Healing Division Through Listening
The researchers also suggested their insights apply beyond personal relationships to a divided society.
Lyubomirsky encouraged “true curiosity and listening,” especially when encountering opposing viewpoints, according to The Washington Post. Reis described research on political polarization showing that once people discover someone holds different views, they often disengage. Instead, he said, “What you have to do is find out: Why do they believe that? What do they think is good about it? And instead of counterarguing, you really listen to what their rationale is.”
For Catholics, these findings resonate with Christ’s command to love one another and to see every person as made in the image of God. The psychologists’ research affirms what the Church has long taught: that we are created for communion, that loneliness is a call to relationship, and that love grows not through self-promotion, but through humble, attentive self-giving.
In a world searching for happiness, the answer may be simpler, and more demanding, than we think. Love is not something we achieve. It is something we give, and in giving it, we receive it.
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